Chatterbox Monday

I'm not reading all that.

They're making me work again. Outrageous.

Brick me now!

Pat Mustard.

Don't talk to me about parking permits. I have just paid an £85 parking fine to the utter bastards at Euro Car Park. On the day of the European Parliament elections the Preferred Mammal and I went to a pub with an attached car park that used to be just free to customers but is now managed by these scumbags. My main concern was getting Mr Tent Rooster and his walking aid safely out of the car and into the pub, so neither of us took in that there were cameras installed and that one had to type in one's registration number into a screen at the bar. They are helpfully pointing out that "the discounted amount no longer applies" (this "final notification letter" is the first correspondence we had from them). All we can do is having a word with the pub landlord.

Brexit now.

I absolutely hate skiing and loathe baking cakes. 

Hullo.

I am 3/4 English Bastard and 1/4 Celt Bastard. That's as much as I know.

OTTM: My wife has been savaged by our cat. Fangs, claws, the lot. She is in the hands of the NHS now. Cat's fine, we're having a game of Scrabble and swapping lewd jokes.

Mr Tiddles


You play scrabble with your cat?

Sheep there, being utterly unsurprised that Mr Tiddles swaps lewd jokes with his cat.

It prefers Monopoly, but it was my turn to choose the game. I hope the missus is OK, she's got a shredded shoulder and deep puncture wounds to both arms. Should give us time to finish the game, though.

I feel sad for saying this; paragraphs are your friend. x

Tried to give it a pill?  I imagine it went something like this:

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little bugger's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. Break out Scrabble board.

Triple word: Sphynx

What?

Oh